Playing golf and enjoying life !

I'm leaving Thursday morning for Florida.
McArthur airports 10:15 flight.
My mothers been there this whole month.
Playing golf and enjoying her life.
All her years as a teacher. Her retirement seems
to be going right. She got this idea from her
parents. Every February thats where they'd be.
To her the best sport was Tennis. She thought golf
was so boring. A few years ago she gave it a try.
Now this is all she wants to do with her time. I'm not
a golfer and doubt I'll ever be. My friend Frank and I
will be on the beach, dinner later just us three. Playing
golf or whatever you like, just be happy and enjoy life.

I didn't know

I didn't know how much people could suffer. I had no idea the things I'd do to prevent it. I thought they just died when they got really sick. I assumed they drifted off peacefully. I didn't know the strength of a person. I didn't know the extent of all of this. I didn't know how it affects every aspect of their lives. I had no idea how this disease just takes over. I ask myself, how didn't I know. How could I have been so nieve. I didn't know it was so much more, than a few pills and a bed pan. I didn't know how important my role was going to be. I thought I was just going to carry out the doctors orders. I didn't realize the intimacy of the nurse and their patient. I wasn't aware how much I would learn from them. I never knew they'd reveal so much of themselves. I never knew how much this job was going to change me as a person. I could never understand how people could ask me, why I'd want to work with Cancer patients. I really had no idea that I'd be in so deep. I could never understand why people didn't see the beauty in this. I myself didn't know the grace in someone even in their last hours. I didn't know that my decisions were going to mean so much. I just didn't know how much my support or lack of could affect my patient. I didn't know how much my presence could comfort them. I didn't believe their families would remember me years later. I didn't know the dying process could be so beautiful. I didn't realize that I might be the only one there with them. I had no idea I'd be so protective. I thought I'd last six months, not eight years. I didn't know I'd be so assertive. I couldn't believe I'd say to the Doctor, " That Morphine dose just isn't enough". I couldn't believe their courage when they decided the fight was over. I didn't think I'd accept death. I didn't know how often I'd think of them and smile. I just didn't know....

Anxiety

It's more than a worry
or a slight uneasiness.
I'm trying to describe
how I'm feeling inside.

Maybe it's hard for you to
understand, something
you've never experienced
first hand.

People don't know unless
I reveal it. I just usually
try to deal with it.

It's panic and palpatations,
and lots of internalizing.
It's happening right now,
you just dont realize it.

Try to talk myself out of it,
but it just overcomes me.
I wish I didn't feel this panic
and fear.

The Ten Places I'd Like To Be Right Now If I Could.....

1. Haiti........to help people affected by the earthquakes.
2. The White House......to meet President Obama.
3. Ireland.... to party in Dublin and visit the countryside.
4. Montauk....during the summer to fish on a charter boat.
5. California......somewhere I've never been.
6. Heaven.......just for a visit, to see if its what I imagine.
7. High School 1991.......if I knew then what I know now.
8. Iraq........to tell the U.S. military that its over.
9. NASA Space Center in Houston.........to send bad people to the moon.
10. A Cancer Research Lab..........to find the cure.

Favorite curse word....Bitch

To me a Bitch is
powerful, feminine
and doesn't give a shit.

She's confidant and
every time says whats
on her mind.

If they call you a Bitch,
Say thanks for
the compliment !!!

Take a Stand....On Racism

An issue I feel most strongly about is definitely Racism. It bothers me that there are still such ignorant people in this world. I think its because I've met so many great people from all different cultures. I've always had friends and worked with a diverse population of people. I would be very hurt if someone judged me or them because of the color of our skin or ethnic background. Once I know that a person is in anyway racist, I lose respect for them. I have no desire to associate with people like this. It makes me so angry to think that people can be so closed minded. I dont understand how they can't see the beauty in us all. I think its disgusting that parents can teach their children to hate. I would never tell my child they couldn't have friends or love someone different then us. I couldn't imagine going through life and knowing only about my own ethnicity. I think that people that stay in their own little world are really missing out. Our differences are something that should be appreciated. I get so upset when I hear people being stereotyped. I wish people would just ask questions instead of making assumptions. I'm fascinated by what I've learned !

Childhood Friend

I want you to know.
I just have to tell you.
All the love, gratitude and
feelings I have for you.

Friends from the start.
My friend, you've given
me nothing but your wonderful heart.

Joy, Tears,
Sadness and Triumphs.
You were there, these
past twenty years.

I love you my friend,
thats something that will
never change.

Your loyal, your kind
and your
my confidant.

Scar Story

I have 7 scars on my right leg.
I was hit by a car when I was 11 years old.
I was by myself crossing Montauk Highway in Lindenhurst.
I crossed the first 2 lanes and then got to the double yellow lines.
I got off my bike and waited.
I remember a van stopped and waved for me to go.
I got back on my bike and started to pedal.
The last lane is where I got hit.
She said later she didn't see me pass in front of the van.
I spent a couple of weeks in the hospital.
My broken leg required several surgeries.
I was given medication for the pain,
that sedated me.
I remember them coming,
in and out of my room.
They fed me
They washed my hair
They gave me candy
I swore they couldn't be real.
They must be angels.
I could have lost my life that day,
but I'm still here and I go to work
and hope I'm someones angel.

Winter !

A snowy weekend
happy drinking hot cocoa
hate the shoveling !

Times up !

It was time to exit,
this fact could just not be ignored.
Onto life's next chapter,
I can't wait to see whats in
two
three
and four !

On my own !

So much to do
So much on my mind
Buying a condo
I'm not going to be scared
God, I'm taking this chance.

Paint and furniture
and fabric galore.
Its such a decision !
Raymour & Flannigan
and Benjamin Moore !

I can't believe its happening,
I'm so grateful.
All these years of school
and work
and sacrifice.

What a great feeling,
this is my time !!!